Marriage Changes

When a couple first gets married, they go through a lot of changes and adjustments. There are some changes that are prominent in the first month, some in the first year, and some that don’t happen until the first child comes along. If these problems are realized before the couple is married, they have a chance to talk through what they will do when the situation comes up. This gives them an advantage. If the couple is already married it is still a great idea to talk about the changes, both past and future, to achieve this same advantage. Some possible challenges could be:

In the first month:

- Money related problems (budget, who will pay what, etc.)

- Sleeping together (touching vs no touching, lots of blankets vs very little, etc)

- Being together all the time (While dating you hoped for this but when it happens some couples struggle to adjust and need to find a way to have personal time to take care of themselves)

- Cleanliness (who will clean what, understanding each person’s idea of clean, etc)

- Conflict (how does each person react to conflict and how will it get resolved)

- Communication (this is one that is tricky for me and a common issue for couples. The couple needs to find out some ways to feel they can talk freely without judgment and how to listen to the other without interrupting or making assumptions until they hear the whole story.)

- And more (Each couple will have different problems that need to be addressed and talked through. If they can recognize them before they are a huge deal they will have an easier time figuring out a solution.)

In the first year:

- Holidays (which family they will go to where, what traditions they want to make for their own family, how often they will stay home for holidays and how often they will travel, etc)

- Creating their own culture (culture is not just a general term for a society. Every family has their own and each new couple should verbally talk about things they didn’t like from their family culture growing up, things they did like, and what things they didn’t have. Then they can discuss what things they will have in their own family culture and how they will achieve that.)

- And some issues that carry over from the first month (Some examples may be suspending judgment when communicating, sometimes sleeping together can still be an issue, handling money management together, and many more that will be personal for each couple.)

When the first child comes:

- New responsibilities (what does the mom do for the baby, what does the dad do, what do they do together, etc.)

- Needing to stay home more often (babies can’t go and do as much as the parents can so they typically need to adjust their recreational activities and how they spend their alone time.)

- Finding ways to show each other they still love and want each other (many new parents feel they don’t get along as well and don’t agree on as many things but in reality there have been studies that show they agree just as much if not more but they are consumed by their new responsibilities so they don’t communicate it as well.)

- And many more (having a new baby is hard on everyone and everything including the marriage. Parents will all have their own challenges but if they communicate as they learned when they were first married and keep each other involved they will grow together instead of apart.)

         Starting a family is tough stuff. There is so many new and challenging situations that couples may feel will never happen to them or that they are totally prepared but that is just silly to assume. If couples learn to roll with the punches and communicate effectively before the challenge becomes a marriage threatening issue, they will be happier and have a long lasting marriage.